Page turned...

So I've turned the page of the book of my life and surprise surprise its a new chapter....

Today was the 1st day of grad school post the Physician's Assistant disaster that happened two years ago. I started my Masters in Counseling today. I still at times wonder if thats the correct field I should be getting into. I have always been interested in psychology but funny part I'm kinda starting to like my job, sad part... theres no room for growth and I dont want to be left in a dead end job. I do think I will enjoy counseling and if it were up to me I'd've started with a bachelors in psychology... that way I could've not dealt with the disaster from PAS, but I wouldnt have met the people I have along the way and I cant wish them away. I think the stubborn side of me wants to prove to the PAS department that I can do that program and kick their ass. Irony in all of this is I still wanted to be a therapist as a PA. I'll be fine. It is something I've wanted to do all my life, being a therapist. I'm just scared the autobiography we need to write for a class will show my teachers that I've got major problems up there and they tell me to go to therapy. I've been in it.. didn't really help me much... maybe I need someone else.

I've got an old classmate who I've been talking to on fb. He gave me his cell phone number, without my asking mind you, on wednesday (todays Monday) and we've been texting everyday since. A friend of mine says he likes me but I feel like I'm always holding up the conversation.. I know I talk A LOT at times but come on dude! I feel like I'm having to think of what to say. I'd think that maybe its just me being weird and he doesn't like me but hes the one who starts the conversation on both fb and texts. What the hell is up with this guy?! He even goes and says "oh if I had known him in school I'd've liked him".... Whats with this guy?! If you don't like me then don't msg me a million times on fb and give me your phone number without my asking AND flirt/say things then make me hold up the conversation and make me feel like i'm being some desperate chick. Make up your mind please. I'd REALLY appreciate to know what page you're on.

On top of that an old best friend I've talked about, Bambi, mailed me a wk ago. He had mailed me a few months back which i replied to really late. I hadn't known what to write back. He finally replied back 2 months late saying "HOLY SHIT! I JUST SAW THIS!" that was a wk and a few change ago. Hes essentially asking to be friends again. I dont know what to say. I haven't replied back yet. I meant to tonight but I started writing this (oh avoidance you're amazing). A part of me wants to send him a link of Michael Buble's Cry me a River and nothing else in that reply. Another part of me wants to say "HELL YES LETS START OVER!" I have no idea what to say or do.....

My ex is being weird also. He msgs me about some nostalgic thing... i replied to that... and his dad had a huge MI which was extremely baddd (he survived thank god) my ex replied back and was acting extremely nice and being what he used to be which i was really taken aback by and even apologized about not replying asap... I mailed him back two wks ago and then mailed him eid mubarak a few days after that, figured that was appropriate... A few days ago he replied back with eid mubarak.. i was on so i replied back thanks.. he goes oh hey! i was just reading what you wrote again... i go alright well keep reading... he replies something about being at my aunts and i go... oh... awkward lol... and he doesnt reply back AND doesn't reply back about the damned email... wth! i know he read it...

idk what to do... i feel lost... I'd love for someone to tell me... Sana do this!.. and i say yes ma'am/sir.. and I'd love for guys to stop being so unreadable.

In any case, I'm excited about this new prospective of school and hopefully it'll allow me to start a new chapter of life and give me a fresh start. I def want to help people and my current job doesn't allow me to see the people I've helped. It is, hopefully, going to be something I enjoy. And hopefully my prince charming is around the bend. 

Changes

So today I spent with a really good friend, we didn't really do much. Went to the mall, petco, and picked up some BWW. It was a well needed day for me due to the fact I had essentially started to freak out over a variety of things and needed that well needed distraction. When I got home I came to a realization and I need to change a few things (thoughts, actions, physical). So I thought I'd begin by writing them out, it'll help me with seeing them out there and keep me accountable. So here goes nothing..... :-/

1) Admit that yes I do have weird a germaphobia, which I know a lot of people don't understand and really don't abide by the rules that come under that. And that is ok. Sigh. Ok scratch that, TRY to admit that is ok when I really know its not BUT for the sake of sanity, of not only ME but also the world around me, it's ok. It's ok if someone touches trash and doesn't OCD out and have the need to wash their hands right away without touching anything else before washing the hands. Realize that everyone doesn't see the world as a huge petri dish of germs and disease, it is but... yeah...

2) Try to use better and learn better grammar and punctuation. I suck at it, I know. I'm a complete run-on sentence at times.

3) Try not to freak out over the fact of being 25, almost 26 come April, and not having at least my Masters. I do realize I should have by now according to what I had planned out, but well sometimes things don't go as planned. Everything DOES happen for a reason, or so I used to believe. I'm applying to schools right now, I don't know where and when and if I'll get in. Like my therapist keeps telling me, try to enjoy the moment and stop worrying about the future and thinking of the past. So I gotta do that.  Enjoy the moment. Be there. I know it sounds extremely ridiculous, but I gotta try.

4) Lose weight. In high school I lost like 40ish lbs. I used to run about 2 miles everyday. I used to lift weights. I know I have it IN me I just gotta do it. I hate being the weight I am and I hate discussing it. So starting right this second I've set my mind to trying to get back to the 130 lbs. I can do it. It just means eat healthy, exercise, and take my thyroid medication. After I lose like say 20 lbs I will reward myself with a nice shirt or pants or shoes. Something. Which brings me to my 5th point....

5) take thyroid medication. I have to take two medications. The reason I hate taking them is that I have to wait an thirty minutes to an hour before I can eat breakfast. Ideally it's waiting an hour. SO I'll take them and do number 6....

6) Get back into reading. I used to be such an avid reader. I still honestly LOVE to read, I love the smell of a book, new or old. I love the feel of a book and being able to engulf yourself in a captivating story. These days I've dwindled down to this: walk around a B&N or a place with books, read the backs, think "OH! I might love this!", buy the said book, come home and read maybe a page or two, put it down and never touch it again. It then goes and lives a happy untouched life on my bookshelf. I'm completely embarrassed. If my old self saw me today I think I would have shot my new self. SO tonight I got Deception Point by Dan Brown out. I have read it before and I remember loving it. I'll  read it after I get done here.

7) Go to bed at better times and keep that schedule.

8) Clean up my room and decorate it more to MY liking and not to the likings of what others want.

9) Forget the past. Forget the people who have walked out of your life willingly. Make up with the ones who I have pushed away. I need to work on that. I need to talk to three people. I'll deal with them in baby steps.

10) Try not to conquer everything tonight. I'm not superwoman. Baby steps and it will be less of a chance of my giving up on them. But not too slow.

11) Realize that yes I am single and there are some good things that come with that. And yes I will find that special someone one day who will mesh with me. He will understand my weird germaphobia and learn it. He will understand my weird intricate ways. He will understand my depression and anxiety.  But he will see that all that isn't what makes me, well me, but he will see who I really am. And I will do the same with him.

12) Write more. I loved to write before. It's a wonderful outlet which I need to use more often. 

oy ve

I hate this anxiety that I get sometimes. Sometimes it can last for a few days and sometimes just for a little bit. These days I think my anxiety is being caused by needing to ask some professors of mine for letters of recommendations and to turn in applications to different programs, which honestly I have a feeling I won't get into. The next deadline is January 25th. SIGH! Kill me please. My heart keeps feeling like it's about to pump out of my chest and land next to me mockingly. Nothing I do gets me calm. Anything I do I always end up thinking of it. And I keep avoiding doing the things I need to do to apply because I'm just scared shitless. I know one can't just sit back and not do anything because in a sense that is admitting failure and I'm one whos too stubborn to do that. I need to calm down, my heart needs to stop pounding, and I need to stop feeling like I'm about to burst into tears any second from the stress. I have no earthly idea what to do. I can't just sit back and not do anything but any time I want to I over think and stress out and avoid. The circle needs to stop. Its annoying me. I need to figure out how to stop this.

I found this new band, I think I'm in love. I also love finding bands that are not mainstream! That ruins most songs for me and I hate it. You start to listen to something on the radio and think "I like this" And ttttthen it gets repeatedly gang raped by many radio stations numerous times! So yeah enjoy the new band I've hunted down called Fun. :) i love that name!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efGMdKAX5kU&feature=player_embedded

A love poem by Emily Halpern

So I came across this poem on Hello Giggles and I can relate to this! It's funny but so true. I get so engulfed in what I'm doing on my phone that I bump into people or mistakenly ignore the person I'm with (and of course feel horrible when I realize just what I'm doing). I'm such an apple nerd (i'm even writing this via my pro) and my iPhone is just another thing I love from them. Once you go apple you can't go back ;) lol.. Anyways! Drum roll please! DA DA DA DA DA!!!!! THE POEM!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------------------

My love. My life. My iPhone.

I love you every hour of the day. Every minute. Every second. No, seriously – Every. Single. Second.

If I could, I would keep you in my hands forever and never put you down. In fact, that is exactly what I do.

Even on a busy street, you’re the only one I see. Often my intense focus on you will cause me to walk into another person – but I don’t care. Even when that person scowls at me and tells me to “Watch where [I’m] going, moron.” Still, I pay him no mind. Because I know that he is only jealous of our love.

Or in a crowded restaurant. Other people may be trying to have conversations. Some of them are even sitting at my table. In fact, they are friends of mine and they are speaking directly to me, because we made plans to eat at this restaurant together. But their voices are merely noise in the background. Because I am holding you, caressing you, my iPhone. And we are one.

When you ring for me - oh, how my heart fills with joy! For your ringtone is my favorite ringtone of all time, one that I downloaded especially for you. It is our song. It is the Gilligan’s Island theme song.

Initially I downloaded it ironically, as a joke. But now I love it, just as I love you.

Love is funny that way, iPhone. You never know where or when you will find it. For a while, I thought I had found love with my ex-boyfriend Tim. But that was before I met you. Tim soon grew jealous of our relationship – our frequent calls, our midnight e-mails, our furtive text messages…

And then there was that time you started ringing while Tim and I were having sex. Just as he was saying something about getting married – there you were: “Juuust sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip!” Admittedly, the timing was unfortunate. But I was powerless against your siren song. I turned towards the bedside table and extended my hand, lusting for your touch.

Tim never understood our love. I tried to convince him that he held a special place in my heart, but who was I kidding? You’re the only one for me, iPhone. When Tim issued his final ultimatum – “That piece of plastic, or me!” – the choice was easy.

At last we are alone, free to plan our future. Oh iPhone, we have such plans, you and I! First we will – wait a minute…

… Um, iPhone, why is your screen suddenly freezing so I can’t access my contacts?

…and why is Angry Birds taking like 20 minutes to load?

…and why does Siri keep telling me how many calories there are in a bagel, when what I asked for was directions to the nearest gas station?

Just a moment, please, iPhone. I have to call my service provider.

“Uh huh. Uh huh. Technical glitch? I see. Thank you.”

Well, iPhone, we had some fun. And I will always cherish our time together. But I think we’ve grown apart, don’t you? Don’t take it too hard. What’s important now is that we both move on.

[Trip to Apple store]

Oh, newer iPhone. I love you so much. No, seriously – So. Much.

Therapy

So I haven't written in years and I feel like I've changed a lot. The last two posts I had written I don't even recognize the person who had written those. The religious undertone of those posts are what annoy me, but going on.....

I’ve been listening to the song “Hate me” by Blue October on repeat for the last 3/4 days

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uZ6uoBEKNQ

Funny thing it reminds me of myself to the point that it’s scary. The 1st half reminds me of my ex and how it was I who wanted that space. It was me who broke off everything; it was me who took him off of my Facebook, who deleted all of our emails, who didn’t want anything to do with him ever again, but in reality I would give up anything in this world just to give myself the freedom to call him up and just talk. I know he would like to do that too but I’m never going to let that happen. He said too many hurtful things in the past to just let those go as if they meant nothing. I know we all make mistakes; I make them on what feels like a constant basis. His saying he purposefully did things when he fully knew I needed him is one thing I can never forgive him for. He recently sent an email saying he wanted to become friends again and in a sense asking for forgiveness. I have no idea why I always act like a bitch to him now; I can’t let myself be nice to him. He’s the one person who understood me the most and the one person who hurt me the most. And even though I will love him always I know I can’t let him get close again because of everything he’s done. There will always be those people that you love but will never let them in again, he's one of those for me.

The 2nd half of the song says “I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with. The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again. In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night. While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight. You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate. You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take. So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind. And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind.” Bambi was the one person after my ex who I let close. After getting dismissed from PA school I pretended like I was someone who was stoic and he would always tell me how he looked up to me for being so optimistic. About 6 months later he started to realize I hadn’t dealt with it and he would stay up and listen to me. He would always try to push me and tell me things I wouldn’t believe. After a while I guess it got too much for him and we started to fight everyday. The last real conversation I had with him bitter words were said and I left him alone. He mailed me back in June saying he was sorry for how things went down with us and that I’m a great person and great friend and wished me the best in life. Funny how after all these months he still says things I have a hard time believing.

He had always said I should go into therapy, something I had thought of but never went after because of the stigma. But after he told me I considered it and that is one of the best things I have done for myself. I’ve realized that I am mildly depressed and I do have moderate anxiety. I’ve realized I’ve had anxiety all my life. I’m always scared to death about things most people would just be scared of, like the 1st day of classes. I can never sleep right and always feel like my heart is about to pound out of my chest and just pump itself dead on the bed in front of me. I’ve been in therapy for almost 4 months now and it is a slow process. Its something that’s helping me regain that strength I lost after PAS and after my ex. It’s helping me face things I wouldn’t have. There are tons I still have to work on and gain but its baby steps and gradual. The one thing that helps is I have three wonderful friends who know I go to therapy and all three are extremely supportive. They always ask me how it's going and if somethings bothering to the point of insanity they tell me to talk to my doc. What more can one ask from friends? I know I’m horrible to them sometimes. I know one of my best friends gets most of the brunt of me trying to push her away but I love her to death for still standing there and supporting me in anything. I would give up anything to make it up to her for her having to deal with my insanity and being patient. I know its sad but it still gets to me that I have wonderful people around me who care for me. The type that would want to beat up any guy or person who hurts me. And I know its the depression talking when I say I don't deserve them, but I don't deserve them.

I was recently talking to a guy who said he loves another person. He has never thought of me as someone who’s the type who stands by her man and I’m sick of trying to prove that to him. My ex always used to scream at me because I would always put others first before myself. He was always the person I would put first before my family, friends and even myself. I always stood by him even when I thought he was being a dumbass, because thats just what you do. I always supported him in anything he set his mind to. So when this new guy says I’m not that type of person it really hits me because that is far from the truth. My best friends, my ex, and even my therapist always get mad at me because I always put myself second. I know its something I shouldn’t do but its something I can’t help, I’ve always been like this. Its something I’m working on. But for someone who I don’t think really knows me to be saying I’m not something that I am really gets under my skin. It feels like a bugs under there and I keep trying to scratch it out to point I start to bleed. I have no earthly idea on how to get it out. I’m the type of person who even if I’m having a horrible day to the point I just want to die and I see someone crying I try to cheer them up. One of my friends just recently said I am one of the most gentle, smart, funny, caring, and awesome person she knows. I love her to death for saying that. It just annoys me he didn't see that and tries to say I'm not something when I am. What can you do though, I'll let the bug give birth.

The little things....

I just was reminded me of something which I think is a lost attribute in today's age, enjoying the little things in life. We're always in a hurry to get things done, always a train to catch or an escaping appointment that we tend to forget to stop for a second and see things around us. We always complain there isn't enough time in the world, those 24 hours in a day isn't enough to get everything done. Is it really healthy to always be on the go? Should we really speed through life without knowing where the past 24 years went? I don't know, to me that just doesn't sound health.

I know I'm guilty of speeding through life myself. I'm one who always needs to be doing SOMETHING. If I'm not doing something, I'll be sitting there bored out of my mind wanting to bang my head against the wall JUST for something to do.

I miss those little things in life. Things like it being extremely late at night with no one up with a raging thunderstorm thundering away outside and me curled up with a wonderful book in my bed (haven't done this in ages). Or just the chirp of happiness of my bird when he sees I'm up or just came home. And even having a wonderfully awesome khutba followed by the best recitation of the namaz, the type you get so lost in that you don't want it to end, ever.

Why are we always so quick to do things? I know it’ll sound cliché but why don't we stop to smell the roses once in a while? I’m fully aware of we all have homework, tests, relationships, kids, jobs, and whatever you have to take care of. I’m the first to say I can’t do something due to the fact I have a test.

Maybe there's something to it that babies know that we don't. They always seem to laugh at little insignificant things.

I think we as humans have to learn to take things slow at times. Take an hour a day where it’s YOU TIME. You just do something JUST for yourself. Be that reading a book, having a better relationship with Allah swt, or just watching tv while sipping tea/coffee. So get out there and do something that you enjoy doing and relaxes you, even if it's playing with your kids.