Therapy

So I haven't written in years and I feel like I've changed a lot. The last two posts I had written I don't even recognize the person who had written those. The religious undertone of those posts are what annoy me, but going on.....

I’ve been listening to the song “Hate me” by Blue October on repeat for the last 3/4 days

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uZ6uoBEKNQ

Funny thing it reminds me of myself to the point that it’s scary. The 1st half reminds me of my ex and how it was I who wanted that space. It was me who broke off everything; it was me who took him off of my Facebook, who deleted all of our emails, who didn’t want anything to do with him ever again, but in reality I would give up anything in this world just to give myself the freedom to call him up and just talk. I know he would like to do that too but I’m never going to let that happen. He said too many hurtful things in the past to just let those go as if they meant nothing. I know we all make mistakes; I make them on what feels like a constant basis. His saying he purposefully did things when he fully knew I needed him is one thing I can never forgive him for. He recently sent an email saying he wanted to become friends again and in a sense asking for forgiveness. I have no idea why I always act like a bitch to him now; I can’t let myself be nice to him. He’s the one person who understood me the most and the one person who hurt me the most. And even though I will love him always I know I can’t let him get close again because of everything he’s done. There will always be those people that you love but will never let them in again, he's one of those for me.

The 2nd half of the song says “I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with. The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again. In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night. While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight. You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate. You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take. So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind. And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind.” Bambi was the one person after my ex who I let close. After getting dismissed from PA school I pretended like I was someone who was stoic and he would always tell me how he looked up to me for being so optimistic. About 6 months later he started to realize I hadn’t dealt with it and he would stay up and listen to me. He would always try to push me and tell me things I wouldn’t believe. After a while I guess it got too much for him and we started to fight everyday. The last real conversation I had with him bitter words were said and I left him alone. He mailed me back in June saying he was sorry for how things went down with us and that I’m a great person and great friend and wished me the best in life. Funny how after all these months he still says things I have a hard time believing.

He had always said I should go into therapy, something I had thought of but never went after because of the stigma. But after he told me I considered it and that is one of the best things I have done for myself. I’ve realized that I am mildly depressed and I do have moderate anxiety. I’ve realized I’ve had anxiety all my life. I’m always scared to death about things most people would just be scared of, like the 1st day of classes. I can never sleep right and always feel like my heart is about to pound out of my chest and just pump itself dead on the bed in front of me. I’ve been in therapy for almost 4 months now and it is a slow process. Its something that’s helping me regain that strength I lost after PAS and after my ex. It’s helping me face things I wouldn’t have. There are tons I still have to work on and gain but its baby steps and gradual. The one thing that helps is I have three wonderful friends who know I go to therapy and all three are extremely supportive. They always ask me how it's going and if somethings bothering to the point of insanity they tell me to talk to my doc. What more can one ask from friends? I know I’m horrible to them sometimes. I know one of my best friends gets most of the brunt of me trying to push her away but I love her to death for still standing there and supporting me in anything. I would give up anything to make it up to her for her having to deal with my insanity and being patient. I know its sad but it still gets to me that I have wonderful people around me who care for me. The type that would want to beat up any guy or person who hurts me. And I know its the depression talking when I say I don't deserve them, but I don't deserve them.

I was recently talking to a guy who said he loves another person. He has never thought of me as someone who’s the type who stands by her man and I’m sick of trying to prove that to him. My ex always used to scream at me because I would always put others first before myself. He was always the person I would put first before my family, friends and even myself. I always stood by him even when I thought he was being a dumbass, because thats just what you do. I always supported him in anything he set his mind to. So when this new guy says I’m not that type of person it really hits me because that is far from the truth. My best friends, my ex, and even my therapist always get mad at me because I always put myself second. I know its something I shouldn’t do but its something I can’t help, I’ve always been like this. Its something I’m working on. But for someone who I don’t think really knows me to be saying I’m not something that I am really gets under my skin. It feels like a bugs under there and I keep trying to scratch it out to point I start to bleed. I have no earthly idea on how to get it out. I’m the type of person who even if I’m having a horrible day to the point I just want to die and I see someone crying I try to cheer them up. One of my friends just recently said I am one of the most gentle, smart, funny, caring, and awesome person she knows. I love her to death for saying that. It just annoys me he didn't see that and tries to say I'm not something when I am. What can you do though, I'll let the bug give birth.